Onwards Again: My Journey to the Atoll
Honolulu, HI
Elevation: 19ft.
Likean old scratched up transparency the dark sky slidbeneath me endlessly reaching for the sunrise. Mount St. Helens rose out like a silent island. To me the clouds were nothing more than another ocean rocking my ship back and forth. I was on my way home.
Traveling through the sky I closed my eyes and let myself float away into the peaceful sway of my music. Anything to get my mind off of the violent throes of turbulence and the fear-laced, steel entrapment around me. Visiting home was going to be big for me, it was the last time I would see my friends and family before I left for the Kure Atoll. It had been 8 months since I first pulled out of my driveway and began my journey out west. It was a moment of fear, excitement and uncertainty but with each passing mile - courage. Blasting above the clouds I felt like I was unceremoniously backtracking my voyage and in many ways I began to feel my courage disappear. Since I had left Virginia there really hadn’t been a moment I wasn’t working, traveling or experiencing something new and different and as I got closer and closer to home I began to feel a surge of responsibility and reality settle back upon me. Though I have been exploring, growing and learning more each day my family has, at the same time, been carrying on working hard and missing me. My grandparents grow older everyday, my parents and aunts and uncles ever more weary and anxious for retirement and my dear brother and cousins growing up and preparing to begin their independent lives. To me, I was returning to a home that was quickly fading away.
To my brother: It has been my honor to cook hotdogs and pasta roni for us all these late nights. Through all the different years, girlfriends and versions of Halo I could always count on you being there for me. Here’s to many more years to come.
For the next 7 months I would be living and working on the Kure Atoll as part of a team sent to eradicate an invasive weed displacing native plants and killing albatross chicks, golden crownbeard (Verbesina encelioides). With little more than a satellite phone for communication contact would be limited to occasional, text only emails. And because of the remote nature of the island there would be no leaving until our scheduled extraction in November.
To my beloved NoVa family: Elementary school, high school and college. We have grown up together and I cannot wait to grow old with you punkasses.
With a strange sense of symmetry I carefully scheduled and planned who I would see on what days of the week. In very much the same way I planned my goodbyes 8 months ago, I had scheduled a different group of friends to hang out each day down to the hour. Each meeting was a roller coaster of emotions: catching up and filling each other in on almost a year apart, talking about how much had changed and how much I missed being there and then explaining my new job and saying goodbye again for the foreseeable future.
To my father: Ramen, sushi and life advice - it was at Blue Ocean that you taught Alex and I many unexpected lessons and was a tradition we enjoyed every time we were back home. Thank you for the years of full bellies and full minds.
Though 7 months can hardly be called an eternity I knew it was enough time for things to change. Returning home I was surrounded by love and excitement. Endless questions about what my jobs this summer had been like (brutul)? How was it like living in Portland (cute hipsters, artisinally vague foods, amazing beer)? When was I going to cut my hair (never)? Am I dating again (no, I am going to die alone)? It was the crazy rush of story telling, pantomiming and unending laughter that reminded me I was home but it was the quiet moments in between that made me realize how much I wanted to stay.
To Tim: During our last drink together you told me that you loved everything about the PNW, that it gave you a new sense of hope. I promised you I would find Base Camp Brewing Company and drink in your honor - it became my favorite Portland brewery and I couldn’t wait to get this growler to you - you deserve it brother.
To my dear, sweet, darling Mason: Thank you for always being there to set me straight. Through elementary school and college you and I were always learning what it meant to be socially normal together. Thank you for sharing your Taiwanese-ass whiskey with me. I hope to see you escape out west soon!
The regulars. Of all the tables I’ve eaten at I’m going to miss this one the most.
Proper log-splitting technique.
My mother saved my “Goodbye Week” schedule from April. It was surreal experiencing the same feeling again.
To my little cousins: It has been my pleasure and honor watching you all grow up. I wish I could still be there as you all approach the trials of adolescence and adulthood. Just know that I will always be there for you all, no matter where I am. In the famous words of my generation, “text me, beep me, if you wanna reach me”.
To my grandma: I will never be able to cook as well as you do. Thank you so much for feeding our family for all these years. No one will ever put up with my pickiness as well as you have. Alex and I owe our height, strength and discerning palates to you.
To my grandpa: You always knew how to dress well. It was only the finest things on sale for you and Alex and I have benefited for years from your adventures to the mall. I will miss your laughter, your burps and your love of eating out. I know you want nothing more than for me to return to Virginia but I promise I will be back sooner than you think, home will always be with you and the family.
It was waking up in my empty room to the shuffling sounds of my grandfather’s footsteps downstairs. The distant rumbling of the washing machine, the echoing beep of a door opening. It was the sound of my mom calling out Levi’s name in the backyard and it was the gentle vibration of the garage door opening and closing beneath my room. It was these quiet, familiar moments that made me reflect on the people and moments I took for granted, these quiet sounds of my family and their existences that let me know that I would miss my home so much. It was seeing all of my dearest friends and holding them tight that made me realize how much love surrounded me, how rich a life I have been blessed with. 7 months isn’t forever, but it’s long enough for life to happen and each time I let go and said goodbye a part of me knew there was a possibility that it was for forever.
To Erik and Lydia: You two are the hardest working people I know. Thank you for the countless words of kindness and wisdom. It was the compassion you showed me and the advice you gave me that helped me muster the courage for my road trip. Don’t stop chasing your goals! You guys will always be my Fairfax REI family!
To my Bestest Buddy: It’s hard to believe how far we have come since high school. A long far way from those late nights spent on AIM and xanga! I am so proud at how far you’ve come with your career. You were always an unstoppable force. When I come back I hope to see you running the neo natal ward!
To my dear, beautiful Jerry: Where have the years gone? We have seen each other at our worst and have pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps countless times. Life is a never ending battle but damn it you always manage to capture the sunsets like no one else. Best of luck with the Air Force brother, I can’t wait to hear your stories!
To my dear Kaitlin: What a wild ride it’s been huh? Life can be crazy and all over the place and I think we have both gotten extra heaping helpings of “all over the place”. It is a fateful dance that we are able to find each other when we do. I’m going to miss your kind words and your gentle spirit.
Something I realized as I saw friend after friend and had coffee after coffee, life had not stopped just because I had left. In my mind my family and friends had been frozen in place. Solid and static, preserved in a film of oozing sentimentality. But NO. The friends and family that I left behind were fiery beings just as aggressive and hungry for life as me. They were progressing in every way I could have hoped – time does not bow to sentiment.
To my SCBI family: No where in my travels has a place held so much for me. SCBI was my beginning, my first steps into the world of conservation. In it’s fields and forests I made some of the best friends I will have in this life and it is in it’s dark streets and green hills that I have left a lot of my heart. You all have done so well and I can’t wait to see where this year will take you all. I’m honored to be fighting the good fight by your sides.
I didn’t realize how precious a few fleeting hours in an old house could be to me until I sat down with you guys. It was as if I could feel the moment slipping out of my hands and into the darkness of the room. I felt like I could have gotten lost in the blurry familiar sound of our laughter. More than any other moment that week, it was sitting there that I realized how unfair goodbyes can be. It was hardest saying goodbye to you four – you are my family.
To my beautiful, ageless, benevolent dragon-tiger mom: You have been the ground beneath my feet for my entire life. Selflessly you have provided for Alex and I pushing us to be the best we can be and in return you only ask for our love and our virtue. A large chocolate Costco cake will occasionally do it too. Since leaving the path to Pharmacy I have often struggled to find a way to make you proud of me, though perhaps it was only in my own eyes that I fell short. Standing in our store surrounded by the rings and bracelets and watches you and Dad have so tirelessly worked to sell I gave you my best photograph and it still didn’t feel like enough to me. To me it was a physical culmination of all of the years I have grown and learned and explored because of you both – a product of the man that I have striven so hard to become. To you and Dad I owe my life.
To Rirrian and Afrodesiac: You two were always ones to go against the grain. Whether it was striving to create your own business, constantly pushing yourself to surpass your creative limits or just being the brashest, baddest, ex-slapping best friend a guy could have – you two have always been the wild ones. I owe breaking out of my shell to you both and am grateful to have you as my family.
It still surprises me how much an aggressive barbarian like Rirrian can like art so much.
I’m going to miss having you by my side through natural disasters, awkward social situations, parties, restaurants and naps. When I come back we are going to have to get you suited up for the backpacking trip of a lifetime – then you can finally really get me killed.
To my FCA family: Oh the countless memories we have had. And by that I mean how many embarrassing versions of Chris you all have had to bare witness through the years! You are my FCA family and I owe so much of my confidence and, honestly, social skills to you. It was those ragtag college years where I grew into my own skin and found the real Chris that I could be happy with. Thanks to you guys I reached my final form (and you know it’s over 9,000!!!!!!).
To my beautiful sisters: After all these years we are still forever the triangle. Thank you for dealing with me through all of my strange phases, exes and for putting up with me never returning phone calls. But above all thank you for always making me look good in public – trust me when I finally do find that right lady you both will make amazing groomsmen.
To my brother: It has been a pleasure and an honor. My only regret is that we never hung out sooner – oh the adventures Rhyhorn and Yoda could have had! I don’t know where life is going to take us but I do know it’s going to be in 4 and it’s going to be covered in mud. Here’s to us one day finally adventuring together!
To my beloved uncle: I regret not spending more time with you and the kids all these past years. Saying goodbye to you when I first left for Oregon was one of the hardest goodbyes for me. You have always looked out for me growing up and I hope that I can return the favor one day with Grace and Mason. Family is first and it’s the most precious thing we have. I’m gonna miss your humor Koo. Here’s to planning an awesome vacation together soon!
To my Fairfax REI family: Nevermore was the passage of time more obvious than when I returned to where it all began. People come and go, such is the passage of life, and it was good to just see a few old faces. It was 2012 when I approached its doors as a desperate college graduate with nothing more to his name than a dream to work outdoors and 4 years of irrelevant pre-pharmacy courses. It was in this REI that a manager took a chance on me and it was here that I first entered the world of outdoor recreation. I owe so much to this humble little store – here’s to making the co-op proud wherever life takes me!
To B-randon: You god damn Brit. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I first picked you up at IAD airport. It all started with an internship and look at you now! A jeep, a pup and fiancé!? B-randon you are doing it more ‘merican than you could have ever have hoped! I’m going to miss our belligerent conversations, our whiskey tastings and our hilarious parties at Leach House. Best of luck with what lies ahead of you dear friend!
To the wonderful, loving, unbelievably kind-hearted Mandolia family: I can’t believe how much warmth and love pours out of your home. From the first time we met you all took an interest in me and my hopes and dreams. Though our time together has been brief returning to your home on the last night of my visit home was the perfect ending to a week of overwhelming emotion. No where else do I feel so welcome, so unabashedly comfortable. I will miss your open hearts and will take the lessons of kindness and adventures you have taught me everywhere I go. Above all else, I will miss your heated bathroom floor – simply genius.
To my beautiful boy: It feels like yesterday that I held you for the first time. Raising you was a trial but one filled with joy. Long gone are the days where you would follow close behind me, beg to be held and ate regular dog food. You are grandma’s big boy and the protector of the house. Daddy will miss you but he will be back sooner than you think. Keep the family safe and stop letting grandma dress you up in silly outfits, have some damn pride, son.
Iremember hugging my mother for the last time at IAD. It was a draining week to say the least and after all was said and done I spent less than 10 hours with my own family. The familiar feeling of her arms and the smell of her hair was almost too much. As I walked deeper into the airport I waved goodbye to my father illegally parked in front of the departures and held back a floodgate of tears. What was a trip initially filled with sadness, longing, fear and homesickness ended in the resetting of my soul. Hearing how many of my friends were inspired by me and my journey was surprising and humbling. Hearing how many of them were proud of me for facing my fears was heart breaking. For so long now I have been battling my fears of being alone and pushing myself to be able to stand strong on my own in the face of the wildest unknown. I have become stronger and hearing my friends recognize that inspired me, broke me and rekindled a fire in me. As I tore through the sky towards Oregon I knew that I was ready for the next step.
Breaking the news about Kure to my Oregon friends and family proved no easier. In the time I’ve been out here I have created a home. Familiar roads and places fill the spaces where I would drive lost for hours panic-stricken by the pace of the city. I have a regular commute, I have a regular job, I have a regular doughnut shop. And what’s extraordinary is that, in the three months working at Hillsboro REI, I have made close friends. I wasn’t able to reconnect with many of my Klamath crew after breaking the news but in a similar fashion they were already all over the world. With the exception of Charles who I was finally able to get that climbing trip in that we had talked so much about over the summer: best of luck with your upcoming projects and pass on my love to your family! With my departure fast approaching I made sure to act on the lessons learned in Virginia and put time with friends and family to the forefront. For the last month there hasn’t been a moment not spent living.
To Chris: It was good meeting you man. You’re young, driven and wise beyond your years. Whether it’s the Marine Corps, Firefighting or getting sponsored by GoPro I believe in you. Just don’t die!
To Easewryder: It’s funny how much we have in common and how cool we became after just a few short days. It was unlucky that we met so late but it was good fortune that we met at all. Best of luck with your passions and send Mistor Falcor and the lady my love!
After my string of field jobs ended in October, I entered a spiraling descent into a dustbowl of unemployment. No longer was my life filled with sunkissed days and star-filled nights. No more was that constant feeling of purposeful adventure. It was after a solid month of trawling USAJOBS and Texas A&M to no avail that I decided it was time to reapply to REI. Within days Hillsboro REI responded and within a few weeks I was standing in a green vest again. With the crazy unstructured chaos of being unemployed, having to reacclimate to city life and the ever-growing pressure of finding that stable permanent job bearing down on me, REI was a safe haven. A familiar home where I knew the rules and I knew the people but above all where I knew I had purpose. Within weeks I was exploring the Portland area and getting into the groove of a schedule again. Despite being surrounded by people everyday I kept to myself and maintained my solitary style of adventuring. It was a surprise to me when I began to descend into loneliness. Without a physical job or a family of field techs to distract me I began to succumb to a concrete, urban depression. That’s when I began to find my new REI family.
To Mike: It was a blessing to meet you my dear friend. I’ve never met someone so full of knowledge and good intention. You were born a natural teacher and are destined for great things. I wish you the best of luck with everything you pursue – the next time we meet let’s make it the summit of South Sister!
To KATIE JEAN!: Hands down you get the award for planning the most adventures packed into a single day! My only regret is that we didn’t start earlier! You have a good heart and are beyond fun to hang out with. I know you will bring honor to our hiring generation. Next time we see each other again let’s do it all again dear friend.
To my darling Tummybummers: What will I do without your forlorn glare from frontline? Or the way you would snipe me with your light-footed fairy dance. I will never look at coffee or Mt. Hood the same thanks to you and I wish we had more time to adventure together. Thanks for showing me that great strength can come in the form of great patience.
To A-aron, erbear11 and Overlord: Easily the three easiest people to hang out with I have had to fortune to meet. Thank you for welcoming me into your lives and showing me how Oregon transplants throw down! You all have had such diverse lives filled with such great stories and experiences. I will take your humors and your wisdoms (and your love for the Kendama) to the island and I will return to Oregon and we will party into the sunset.
To my dear dear dear beccaklassy: Where do I even start? In the few short months I worked at REI, and lived in Portland for that matter, you have become my best good friend. You showed me how to climb, you showed me how to be spontaneous and you showed me how to be a good friend. Thank you for making me open up despite how stubborn I was. Our adventures hold a special place in my memory and I can’t wait to come back. I wish you the best of luck with everything you aspire to do. You. Are. Unstoppable.
To Hosh William Swanson: It’s been an adventure getting to know you my friend. I wish we had the chance to hang out more. I loved our conversations about the island; your curiosity and fun-loving attitude has rubbed off on me in a good way. I wish you only the best with whatever comes your way. Always remember, the fannypack of fun. (Photo Credit: Becca Klassy)
I am honored to call Hillsboro REI my home away from home and have been so fortunate to meet so many amazing people. You all welcomed me in with kindness and were always down to adventure. It showed me that there is a value in enjoying solitude but that there is also value in opening up and letting people in. Thank you all for giving me a new place to call home and a bunch of amazing people to call family.
I remember it vividly. Driving out of Yellowstone National Park I turned my wheels westward and began the last leg of my solo road trip. The mission was Boise, ID and it was going to be the first time since Indiana that I would see family. Two weeks of being on the road and I wanted nothing more than to see a familiar face, to hear a familiar voice and to feel at home again. To my cousins I owe the most. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to actualize my dream of moving out west and pursuing a life out here. It was because of their generosity and support that I was able to create a new home base and slowly begin to work, live and build. To them I owe my PNW experiences.
To Khem and Amanda: Thank you for all of the wonderful experiences. From my first view of the Gorge to my first Tonalli’s doughnut you both have always been there to hit the town with me. Our progressives will always be a thing of legend and I will continue to honor your names with mountains of tots, craft beers and artisanal obscure ice cream flavors! It didn’t take long for us to fall into a comfortable groove. I will miss waking up to the sounds of our creaky floors and the smell of fresh coffee. Our living room conversations and musubi nights will also be missed. I hope you all the best this year and I can’t wait to see you both again! Whatever changes may come they will be good and we will tackle them as a team. You can trust that I will bring honor to our remote seabird field work family! #wowfreshfamilyforever
To Judy: Thank you for always making time to see me all these years. You are a wise and caring person and I am grateful for our talks on life, love and family. I hope you find everything that you are looking for in Oregon and I can’t wait for our next brunch! Keep true to your heart and I know you are going to kill it this year!
To my dear Lombard St.: I will miss the sounds of your train tracks, your forlorn horns echoing through the night lulling me to sleep. Many a late night you have led me safely home and many a busy day you have shown me the way to Fred Meyer and Costco. Perhaps most of all I will miss they way you lit up on bright, clear days your colors bursting, Mt. Hood looming ever regal in the distance. Alas. You, Rhyhorn and I will reunite again one day.
:DEEP EXHAUSTED EXHALE:
Thank you for putting up with me. Without a doubt this has been my longest, most prolonged blog entry. It has been a wild ride these past few months and I have lost a handle on a lot of different aspects of my life. But if there is anything to take away from this crazy explosion of emotions and words and photographs it is this: There are things in this life far greater than ourselves. We all have different things to fill in the blank but it’s as simple as that. 4 years ago I was sitting in a massive lecture hall surrounded by bleary-eyed, exhausted pre-med students. Like a room full of zombies we stared blankly at a faded screen of endless powerpoint slides awaiting any sort of stimulus, hungry for any sort of change. It was at that moment that I realized that there was too much to this life to not chase my dreams. I realized that my path was going to be one spent making as much of a difference in this world as I could. Clichés aside, I will finally put this post to rest. It has been a wild ride this year and I couldn’t have spent it with better people or in better places. My next steps will be into the Northwest Hawaiian Islands and I will carry the weight of everyone’s love with me into the unknown. Here’s to next steps and never slowing down. See you all in the Fall.
With all my love,
Chris So Grateful
